Category: Reframing with Keith

Consideration    Repeating Functional Patterns

Reframing – Toothbrush falls in the toilet bowl

Glad it wasn’t the electric toothbrush

Opportunity to go fishing

Chance to practice alternative tooth brushing methods

Evaluate the benefits of clear vs. blue toilet water

Reason to shop

Glad you flushed

Enhance your skills at using chop sticks

Reminder of the benefits of putting the lid down

Consider all the things you do each day that require little to no conscious thought.  Autonomic behaviors like breathing and reflexes are examples of behaviors which occur without conscious choice.  There are also many behaviors, referred to as routine that we do repeatedly, hence the phrase “creatures of habit.”

In previous blogs I have described the differences between intentional decision making and passive acceptance decision making.  Intentional requires active choice.  Passive acceptance occurs when a learned behavior becomes a repeating pattern which requires little to no conscious choice.  Decision making patterns fall into two categories, functional and dysfunctional.  A functional pattern is intended to achieve a desired result that is intellectually and emotionally productive.  A dysfunctional pattern produces a result that is intellectually or emotionally disruptive.  Some examples may help clarify the differences.

Intentional functional pattern – Developing a budget for one’s personal finances that the person consistently uses in making financial decisions.

Intentional dysfunctional pattern – Going to a gambling establishment believing that you can consistently win the money you need to pay your bills.

Passive acceptance functional pattern – Having your paycheck automatically deposited to your bank account by your employer.

Passive acceptance dysfunctional pattern – Making purchases without tracking your spending behavior believing that there will probably be sufficient funds to cover the purchase.

The majority of our daily decisions are passive acceptance, intermittently interrupted by situations which inspire an intentional choice.  Examine your morning routine.  Which actions follow a logical pattern?  How did you arrive at your routine?  What parts of the routine work well and which create issues?  Do you ever stop to consider making some changes to the routine, and if you do, have you actually made the adjustments?

I’m a fairly intentional person when it comes to morning, particularly workdays.  I’m all about efficiency.  Toilet, sink, shower, clothes, pocket essentials, door.  Fifteen minutes pillow to car.  Most of my routines make sense.  Brush teeth before shaving (Don’t want to confuse shaving cream with tooth paste).  Socks before shoes. Belt after pants.  Simple logic.  Some parts of my routine present options.  Take showering.  No rule book.  What’s your approach?  A typical pattern would be to start at the top and work down.  Hair first, feet last.  Ever consider going in the opposite direction?  Start with the feet and head north.  When I suggest feet first other s are quick to point out the flaw in my logic.  “You don’t’ start with your feet because you don’t want to get your feet gunk on the rest of your body!”  Seemed reasonable to me until it occurred to me that if you share a shower stall, the person who showered before you probably ended with their feet so you are putting their feet gunk on your head.  I’m pretty sure that the person who invented liquid shower soap had experienced feet gunk, soap bar transfer.  Consider further, why does it have to be top to bottom?  How about we start in the middle and figure out which way to go.  Kick things off with an elbow, transition to the opposite knee, face, toes, belly.  I’ve actually tried this, got distracted and missed parts.  Talk about distractions.  Perhaps I should leave that alone.  Don’t want the FCC to cancel my PG rating for the blog.

How about morning coffee?  Those of you who are coffee drinkers who add stuff to your coffee.  When you pour the coffee do you remember to leave room for the extra stuff?  Do you end up slurping or spilling because the cups to full?  Did you learn anything the first, second, third time you screwed up?

Functional routines, also known as repeating patterns, make a valuable contribution to daily living.  They enable us to engage in multiple behaviors simultaneously.  Consider driving.  Accelerate, decelerate, steer, check mirrors, watch for hazards, observe the country-side, listen to the radio, talk on the phone, plan an event, can all be in process at the same time.

Dysfunctional patterns can be powerful detractors to a person’s quality of life.  Excessive worry, self-degradation, harbored negative feelings like guilt, anger, worthlessness are a huge drain of energy and contribute to personal misery and lowered self-esteem.

An important component of Perspective Management is the intentional development of functional patterns which contribute to our physical, intellectual and emotional health.  Just as functional patterns like eating healthy, getting regular exercise, productive rest contribute to physical wellness, the development of functional attitude patterns contribute to emotional well-being.

Exercise

I challenge you to adopt two attitude enhancement patterns for a five-day period.

Pattern 1  Identify five individuals you believe would benefit from an encouragement blitz.  Each day for five days in a row, provide each individual with some words of encouragement.  You can pick people you have a close relationship with, a colleague, a neighbor or someone facing a tough life circumstance.  The encouragement can range from an emoji to a paragraph.  Be in person or use an electronic medium.  It’s your pattern, you decide what best fits your personality.

Pattern 2  For five days make a concerted effort to provide an act of consideration toward another person.  Let someone go ahead of you in line, leave an extra tip for a server, send a blank greeting card with come cash to someone you know is struggling financially.  It’s in the vein of Secret Santa or pay it forward.

The objective of these two tasks is for you to experience the intangibles associated with the positive impact you can achieve by developing a proactive attitude pattern.  Before you dismiss the challenge as a nice idea, but not worth your time or effort, consider these responses to typical excuses.

“I really don’t have time for this.”  How much time do you think it will take to accomplish these tasks?  Fifteen minutes a day.  Perhaps if you took fifteen minutes away from complaining about how screwed up everything is you could have time.

“It won’t make any difference.”  Sounds like you are thinking about others.  The tasks are intended to enhance your sense of purpose.  Two questions:  What would your reaction be if someone treated you with a little consideration?  Do you believe that you won’t feel good about the fact that you tried to bring a little sunshine into the life of another, particularly if the person is someone you care about?

“How about I just do one?”  You think anyone ever developed a pattern with a single experience?

It’s easy to fall into and casually accept the existence of dysfunctional patterns which drain your energy, stress you out, and encumber yourself and others.  The purpose of the tasks is to offer a proactive alternative that we can easily incorporate into a functional pattern if we choose to make the effort.  There is no need to change if you are satisfied with your quality of life.  If you find yourself dragging consider the possibilities of lifting your spirits.

Many people are willing to show consideration if a situation presents.  Birthday, anniversary, sickness, loss of a loved one.  A greeting card event does not create a functional lifestyle pattern.  If you want to enjoy life with its ups and downs it requires and intentional effort to develop a healthy attitude routine.  That is what perspective management is intended to help you achieve.

The only way to flourish from Perspective Management is to practice, practice, practice.  If it seems like work, you’re missing the point.  If you feel energized and a little more in control, you’re getting there.  If you can find the upside of an abscessed tooth, you got it!

I would enjoy hearing about your experience once you complete the exercise.  Post on the blog or send me an e-mail.  I’ll let you know how my experience turned out.

Keith Neuber                     www.ikan2.com                               keith@ikan2.com

Consideration:  Reframing reframing

“Keith, don’t you ever get tired of it all?”  I don’t get tired.  I do get troubled, annoyed, perplexed and sometimes even frustrated.  I have the same typical reactions to problematic circumstances as anyone else.  That is what lead to my discovery of my need for perspective management.  I think people consider themselves to be tired when they don’t know what to do to combat the frustration associated with feeling out of control.  When life gets challenging, that when we need to be energized.  That is what perspective management is intended to provide.

I really believed that perspective management and reframing would catch on.  I anticipated a domino effect.  A person would discover their ability to turn problems into challenges, they would feel better about themselves and their life circumstances and be so excited that they would want to spread the concept to everyone they knew.  It seems logical that if you give someone a tool that helps them feel more in control and optimistic, that person would want to use it.  So what is the reason that it doesn’t catch on?

A colleague tried to help me put my confusion into perspective.  In sports, to acquire a skill you first have to discover that you can do it and then you practice it repetitively until you become masterful at it.  Like ice skating, riding a bike, pole vaulting, once you know how to do it, the “know how” sticks with you for the rest of your life.  What varies is performance based on how often you use the skill and how much you practice.  So once a person understands how to reframe, the potential to use it is there if a person chooses to use it.  I have found that most choose not to.

It’s clear that I overestimated my potential to overcome the power of negativity.  My book, “If You’re Not Having Fun, You’re Doing It Wrong,” has fallen way short of my goal to make a difference.  I got the title and the cover design wrong.  To much emphasis on fun, when the content focuses on self-discovery and the hard work of self-management.  I do draw great encouragement from those who have read the book, applied the principles, made life changes and report to me how often they return to get direction when they feel challenged.  My disappointment is that I can count them on one hand.

With so much emphasis on the negative – news, sickness, viruses, politics, natural disasters, violence, greed…, it would be easy to join the discouragement crowd.  If life seems to be a burden, I can see how folks would feel tired of hauling that load around each day.  If reframing could lighten the load, I wonder why people see it more as an amusement rather than a resource.

You know how I like clever reframes.  What would it be like to reframe, reframing, i.e. looking for the downside of reframing.  Let me give it a try.

Un-reframes

Opportunity for false hope

Set up to be knocked down by your next personal catastrophe

Chance to figure out that optimism can’t stop bad things from happening to you.

Opportunity to fit in with others who are delusional

Opportunity to deceive yourself into believing life is not as bad as it really is.

Justification for not trying to improve your circumstances or the circumstances of others.

That was unpleasant.  Not the un-frames, they’re just words.  The unpleasant part is how many individuals actually think that way.  Talk about burdens.  Believing that life is a perpetual struggle with brief periods of respite as a set-up to confirm how hopeless you are to overcome the negativity.

In talking with a friend about this blog I was warned to tread lightly if I didn’t want to lose the few regular readers I have.  People want to be encouraged, amused, lifted up!  Me too.  For me it’s just more important that people understand the opportunity in front of us and consider joining the quest to beat back negativity as attitude warriors.  I want us to understand the playing field and recognize the enemy.

The playing field – Everyone experiences trials, tribulations and disappointments.  They wear on our emotions and it is easy to get caught up in the pressures of the moment. 

Fourth an inches from the goal line.  Up against the most formidable defense in the league.  Only seconds left.  Game on the line.

Focusing on the pressures of the moment, it is easy to forget that you started this drive on your own five-yard line, your team was a huge underdog coming into the contest, your team has produced a herculean effort, no one has been injured, the crowd (pre-covid) is loving the excitement and it’s only a game.  So, in the big picture, how significant is the outcome of the next play.

The enemy – Commodore Perry in the War of 1812 coined the phrase, “I have met the enemy and it is I.”  Negativity comes from within.  Events, circumstances, experiences are stimuli that trigger a reaction.  If I react negatively, I am the source of the burden.  I know this sounds like I am adding to the burden, however when I recognize that I am creating my turmoil, if I don’t like the effect, I can change my reaction.

Example: If I ruin my day being upset that rain occurred during my planned fun, I suffer an emotional burden.  If I change my plans so I can still have fun, the rain becomes insignificant.  Rain happens.  The choices I make determines how rain effects my quality of life.

I’ve been preaching reframing as an alternative to negativity since 1984.  Published a book that was to be my vehicle to return to the lecture circuit to try to make a difference.  COVID presented an obstacle.  I struck back by blogging.  There are so many to reach, I sure could use some attitude warriors to help me take up the gauntlet.

Lest you think the challenge to great, let me close with an experience from my past.

I was providing a closing keynote at a Teen Reach conference in Champaign, IL.  My topic was reframing.  I was on that day and played to a standing ovation.  After the presentation several participants came up to acknowledge me.  I noticed a woman holding back until the others left.  As she approached I could see that she had tears in her eyes.  She told me that she had been sitting alone in her hotel room the entire conference contemplating suicide.  For some reason she had decided to come to this last session.  She said, “You saved my life.  I now understand that I really have more control over my problems than I thought possible.  I am going to face my problems head on and if I can’t change the situation I’ll change my attitude.  I can’t thank you enough.”

I have been blessed to be where I needed to be with words that someone needed to hear with no intention on my part.  When we set out to make a positive difference, good things will happen even if we are unable to see tangible results.  The need is great.  The workers are few.  And the domino effect of positivity has unlimited potential.

I’m not tired.  Just took a little rest.  Getting ready for what’s going to be an incredibly productive fourth quarter.  I sure would love to have you play a part in the victory celebration.

Keith Neuber                                     www.ikan2.com                               keith@ikan2.com

Consideration:  Virtual elementary education

Reframes – teachers

Opportunity to present a lesson without being interrupted

Power to mute a child who wants to be disruptive

Chance to audition for a role on a television talk show

Create a video for your teacher of the year application

Chance to see yourself in action

Reframes – children

Opportunity to blame the computer for any mistakes

Can’t get sent to the hall for misbehaving

Excuse for not doing school work – not my learning medium

Opportunity to play video games on your hand-held device without getting caught (remember to silence the audio on the game)

Opportunity to exceed expectations

Is chaos the new normal?  If you have been involved in crises planned virtual education of elementary school children you would clearly think so!  It is difficult to figure out which is the bigger disruptor, the COVID or the attempts to control its spread.  At the very least there are a lot more of us who are now familiar with “Zoom” and the experience of virtual interaction.

Virtual interaction as a concept has been around for more than 50 years, as any of you “trekkies,” devoted followers of Star Trek, will remember.  Gene Roddenberry, the originator of the Star Trek television series which began in 1966 was either a genius, visionary, or more likely, an alien.  Consider the concepts that he incorporated in the TV show that are now aspects of everyday life.  Virtual communication was considered an interplanetary standard.  He envisioned hand-held communication devices (cell phones), phasers (tasers) and voice activated computers.  He even created the prototype for Seri and Alexa.  Personally, I am still anticipating the practical use of the transporter so I can beam to destinations without the inconvenience of air travel.

In Roddenberry’s version of virtual communication he was intuitive enough to eliminate any distractions from the background.  While we have the technology, there seems to be a lack of awareness by some of their surroundings, hence the need for “Zoom-erisms.”  Zoomerisms are factors to keep in mind when you invite someone to virtually enter your personal space.  The introduction of virtual education of children has invited a new group of observers to visit our living environments.

For those of you have followed my blog this is a great time for you to participate in the fun.  I’ll start a list of Zoomerisms and then it’s your chance to add your insights.  Who knows, maybe we will generate enough for a coffee table book or one of those theme-oriented calendars.

Zoomerism 101

You may want to think about…

1. What you are wearing

2. What those in your space are wearing, or not wearing

3. What you have lying around or on your walls

4. Reminding those in your space to close the bathroom door when in use

5. Considering your personal hygiene habits (Not the best time to pick your nose)

6. The content of any side conversations

You probably don’t want to…

7. Light up a joint, particularly if you are on a work-related zoom

8. Negotiate a drug deal

9. Arrange for a hit on one of your enemies

10. Break wind and then describe the experience

11. Share the fact that you plan to be away for the next week with no one to watch your place

If your child is on zoom for virtual education…

Numbers – 1-11

12. May not want to express your opinions on the inadequacies of today’s educational system

13. Consider the language that you use either on the phone or in relating to others in the space

14. May not want to arrange a rendezvous with a love interest (You never know who knows who and it could be a real problem if your love interest is your child’s teachers’ current mate)

15, May not be a good time to express your concerns about the limitations of your child’s other parent.

Zoomerisms remind us that technology and humanity coexist and that the humanity, is the more interesting and fun.

Virtual communication certainly has its advantages.  Virtual business meetings can save companies a fortune in travel expense and can be scheduled 24/7 in the wink of an eye.  Families separated by distance can maintain both verbal and visual relationships.  We have witnessed the benefits experienced by those who have been quarantined during the pandemic.

Responding to the COVID virus has resulted in virtual meetings, virtual working from home, virtual church and now virtual education.  I wonder what Roddenberry would be envisioning if he were with us today.  How about “virtual marriage?”  You would only have to interact with your mate when you felt like it and could silence them with a push of the mute.  How about virtual funerals?  An opportunity to create a technologically advanced drive by experience with a reminder to text your condolences.  I wonder what the Emoji would be for that one?  What about virtual intimacy?  Never mind, that already exists.  Virtual childbirth?  No pain, all gain.

Despite its many advantages, “virtual” will never replace our need for “real.”  When it comes to an agreement between two people, an Emoji will never replace a handshake, at least I sure hope not.  A virtual hug will never provide the same comfort as the real thing.  When you feel upset I assume you want to talk to a real person rather than a virtual responder.  Don’t believe me.  Next time you’re really ticked off, tell Seri or Alexa all about it and see if their response alleviates your frustration.  We humans are social creatures that crave interpersonal contact.

We are social creatures that crave interpersonal contact.  No virtual experience could adequately compare with witnessing the birth of a child.  Indict me as old fashioned.  I want a juicy, grilled steak rather than a virtual meal.  I want to stand with a foursome on the fourteenth tee at Coeur de Laine golf course instead of hitting to an island green in a simulator.  You will never see me texting the person that I am sitting with at the dinner table.

Final thought.  They tell me that our destiny is computer generated virtual education for children.  I don’t think so.  Artificial intelligence will never have the same impact on a child as the attention of a concerned parent or teacher.

Keith Neuber                                     www.ikan2.com                               keith@ikan2.com

Consideration:  Election campaigns

“Are you ready for some football?  A Monday night party!”

August, a time when we can expect hot, dry weather in the Midwest (not this year).  August, a time when children are transitioning from boredom at home back to there classrooms and friends at school. (not this year).  August, a time when college football fans don their colors and head to the stadium. (not this year) August, a time when major league baseball heads into crunch time to make the playoffs (you figure this one out) August, a time for insults, accusations, manipulation of facts, libel and abject hated in an election year (at least some things we can still count on) It’s been winding up for over a year and it’s time to release the Kraken, the devourer of integrity and truth.

“Are you ready for some ugly and hate from both parties?”

CAMPAIGN 0-20 is upon us.  Critical Accusations Maligning Political Adversaries Intending to Generate Negative Opinions.  It’s not a virus, but it can have unpleasant side effects.

There seems to be widespread agreement that we find negative political campaigns to be distasteful.  So, if it so unpopular, why is there so much of it?  Simple, it works!  It is considerably easier and quicker for a hopeful to discredit an opponent than it is to convince others of their ability and worth.  If someone touts their ability and potential most react with skepticism.  Negativity however peaks our interest.  Any doubts, review the entertainment media line-up.  Police and lawyer shows abound.  Crime, deception and horror are standards.  Even most sitcoms emphasize human frailties and weaknesses.  People are interested in dysfunction.  From “Dallas” in the 1970’s to “Yellowstone” in 2020, viewers tune in to see what bad thing is going to happen next.

So, what can we do?  I figure this is my opportunity to intervene with an inoculation for negativation (new word coming to a dictionary near you soon) No matter whether you are left wing, right wing or wingless, I figure we could all use some tips to weather the onslaught.  Since campaigners’ goal is to manipulate our perspective, let’s see if we can counter-act their tactics.

Tactic 1 Put a mask on.  I haven’t done the research but I assume that whoever invented the mute button on the television remote did so because they didn’t want to have to listen to what was being said.  This time of year, is ideal for practicing mute-ation. That can surely stop the barrage and open the door to having some fun.  Make up your own dialog to correspond to the picture on the screen.  Invite some friends over and take turns scripting the rhetoric.  Have prizes for most bizarre, creative or unlikely interpretations.  Make a u-tube video, go viral, end up with your own late-night show.

Tactic 2:  Practice Social Distancing.  I think we have all found ourselves in situations when someone wants to talk politics when we don’t.  Even when you say you are not interested they persist.  To create social distancing try the La La technique.  Once the other person begins their rant merely make the sound la la la la la la la…… over and over again under your drive them to submission.  They are likely to think you are disturbed (which you are by there comments) and move on in search of a more amicable victim.

Tactic 3:  The symptoms might not be as bad as they seem.  Despite the derogatory character assassination of the opponent, at the end of the day they are all good with each other.  Take the primaries for example.  Candidates from the same party will use any tactic to undermine the efforts of rivals from their own party only to kiss and make up when the battle is over.  No matter how ugly the situation becomes none of them want to miss the opportunity for the smiling photo-op when it is over.  Campaigns are orchestrated drama designed to suck you in and warp your opinion.  Unhealthy as it sounds, some of them actually relish the opportunity to spew negativism.

Tactic 4:  Invest in a treatment alternative.  Develop a “pay to play” strategy.  Any time you find yourself upset or complaining about politics make a financial investment to your mental health fund.  Political campaigns are a lot about money so set your personal fine at a hefty amount.  It is remarkable that when it costs you to needlessly stress yourself, you ask yourself whether it is worth the aggravation.  Good news.  If you don’t limit your participation in the negativity, you’ll rack up a substantial amount of cash to invest in counseling and good counseling can be costly.

Sidebar – If campaigners had to donate a quarter every time the said something derogatory we could reduce the national debt by a couple of trillion.

Tactic 5:  Prepare an antidote.  Stock up on good news.  Kind deeds, fortunate outcomes, celebrations, achievement of milestones, human interest stories and pretty much anything about little children.  Any time you encounter negativation interject a little good news.  Tell them it will all work out for the best.  Nothing is more revolting to a neg-o-crat than a good-news-nic.

Tactic 6:  Inoculate your perspective.  When you can’t change the circumstance, reframe it.  If you have following my blog you had to see this coming.  Reframing political derogatives is great exercise for aspiring perspective managers.  Reframing rookies might want to consider a group effort

Derogative – You’re a self-centered, egotistical, lying piece of crap (See blog entry 8 to learn more about excrement references)

Reframe -I wish you were more open to having an honest conversation regarding areas where we disagree.

Derogative – You’re an incompetent nincompoop.  If I had been in charge I would have handled it the right way.

Reframe – I haven’t a clue as to what I would have done but I am so glad you had to take the heat so I could second guess you without being held accountable.

Derogative – All you care about is your greed driven associates.  If elected, I intend to take from the rich and give to the needy.

Reframe – Everyone loves a good fairy tale.  Your rich friends are fiends while my rich colleagues, including me, have a lot of needs and simply want to take advantage of the wishful thinkers.

You get the idea.  This past Sunday my minister referred to the fact that all things serve a purpose in helping us learn and grow.  So what purpose can a political campaign play in helping us learn and grow.

It may help us to heed the warning of what can happen to us if we allow power, greed or self-serving to become our primary motivators.

It may cause us to realize how we sound when we criticize/belittle others and what kind of image we project to others that witness our behavior.

It may serve as a test to determine whether we can deflect the negativity, conduct our own research and make a choice of who we believe will best serve our interests.

It may serve as an invitation to seek opportunities to encourage others in pursuing their dreams.

In about 80 days, CAMPAIGN – 020 will come to an end.  It’s not likely that the end will result in a cure for negativity.  Seasons and campaigns come and go.  However, if we heed the warning, realize our potentials, pass the test and accept the invitation, we’ll be a little better off, and succeed where most campaigns fall short.  We will have made a positive difference.

Keith Neuber                                     www.ikan2.com                               keith@ikan2.com

Consideration:  Puddin poop

I am always intrigued by a perspective discovery.  Recently, my friend Michael had a revelation.  He and his wife had traveled from Chattanooga to St. Louis to hang out with my wife and I.  With a mix of trepidation and curiosity he told me that every time he travels a long distance and has to stop to relieve a certain urge he experiences, “puddin poop.”  As he explained further, “you find yourself in a gas station restroom, with questionable sanitary conditions, one-ply wafer thin toilet paper, six people waiting at the door and instead of a quick clean release, you get puddin poop.” (Not an exact quote, my memory is not that effective.)  “So, Mister Perspective Manager how are you going to reframe that?”  Gotta love the challenge.

Reframes

Glad you didn’t lose it before you reached the exit.

Chance to practice your folding and stacking skills

Delighted the toilet paper roll wasn’t empty.

Relieved the flushing mechanism worked

Opportunity to practice your hand washing technique (Really important these days)

Appreciate the creation of 2-ply TP

Thankful for people who sanitize restrooms

Glad you hadn’t eaten any jalapeno peppers

Thankful COVID hadn’t closed down restroom use.

This was an exciting discovery.  Genuine perspective illumination.  I told Michael I had to blog about this.  As I began pondering I fell prey to my desire to turn puddin poop into a perspective awareness educational construct.  After three pages of notes I realized I wasn’t having any fun.  Puddin poop has a nice ring to it.  Sounded like a modern-day cartoon character, like “Peppa Pig.”  So, I said to myself, “take your head out of your butt and let the perspective flow.”

Take your head out of your butt.  That’s it.  Explore the fascination with colloquialisms that are associated with elimination and the region where it occurs.  Have you ever stopped to consider how many negative colloquialisms focus on elimination related images?  I wonder who determined it was a bad thing?  Certainly not someone with constipation issues.  Expression of negative colloquialisms associated with elimination seems to be universally accepted, even though they are anatomically illogical.  Let’s consider some.  I will use anatomically correct terms.  If you can’t figure them out, phone a friend or ask Seri.

“Take your head out of your anus!”

Unless you are a gifted contortionist, this one doesn’t make any sense.  Even if you could, why would that be considered a viable option.  Is this an insult or just a really good suggestion?

“You are such a rectum!”

What’s the message here?  Is that really a bad thing?  Seems to be a pretty useful part of the body.  We would be in a world of hurt, literally, if we didn’t have one.  I guess you are trying to tell me that I am a valuable problem solver.

“I pulled that one out of my anus!”

Pulled what?  Is this like a magician and their hat?  What did you get, rabbit or scarves?  What was it doing there in the first place and who put it there?  Wouldn’t it be easier just to tell me you are proud of your accomplishment?

“That’s bull feces!”  “You’re a horses petut!”  “Don’t be such a chicken grit!”

Where is PETA when you need them.  They are more worried about fur coats than animals caught up in disparaging colloquialisms.  What did animals do to deserve becoming objects of negativity.  What is it about a bull’s feces?  Is it that much different than any other animal’s?  Has any consideration been given to hamster leavings or squirrel droppings?  I always thought horses were considered noble animals so why would be the object of an insult.  As for chickens, I hear there is a place in Indiana where they turn chicken grit into filling for sand traps on golf courses.  So, you think calling me chicken grit is going to somehow motivate me?  Couldn’t we just talk about my apprehensions?

“Kiss my rosey red derriere!”

Odd suggestion.  I can’t think of any reason for me to accept that invitation.  I am curious about the rosey red issue.  Don’t you think you should have that evaluated?  Could be a rash or allergy.

“You are full of excrement!”

Not likely.  I think your understanding of human anatomy is deficient.  You might want to consider learning more about the large and small intestines.  Even those are rarely completely full.  I appreciate your concern about my regularity, but I’m not really sure why you are so worked up about it.

Had enough?  I am disappointed that I actually have a lot more references you would be familiar with. 

There are some elimination expressions that are simply informational.

“Don’t go in there until the Hazmat Unit arrives!”

Are you providing a public service announcement or proud of your accomplishment?

“I’ll be back shortly, I need to get down to playing weight.”

Play what?  All I see you do is sit on the couch and play with your phone.  Not sure a weight change will make any difference.

Ever wonder why it seems to be so easy to accept universal negativity.  A while back a bumper sticker achieved incredible popularity.  “Feces Occurs!”  Well duh.  Pretty much of a daily goal for most people.  Question:  Why would such an obvious statement be treated as a great insight?  Answer:  To establish the perspective that life is unfairly problematic.  There was even an effort to take the negativity to the next level with a sticker that read, “Life is bad and then you die.” 

I have found that most people who communicate universal negativity have no clue of the emotional drain they put themselves through.  Our culture has shaped our perspective to ignore what works and over-emphasize what doesn’t.  Example.  A driver who is not in a hurry ignores hundreds of traffic lights that are green and feels victimized by hitting a red light when they are running late.  In this case the victimization is self-induced, so if you’re already stressed by time why put an additional burden on yourself.

Where do you see yourself on the optimism-negativity continuum?  I probably gave to much consideration to whether I would offend you by using “puddin poop” as my opening.  I even considered using “pooh” as a less offensive option.  Like several of the images I have referenced “poop” is only a word.  Certain words create emphasis.  Avoids the need for an exclamation point.  So, does the choice of words really make a significant difference?  Yes.  If someone called you a rectum, it’s likely that you would either giggle or be dumbfounded.  The colloquial expression however, would likely be considered an act of war.

An expression used when I was young was “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”  I think whoever made up that expression omitted a critical element.  Words don’t do the damage, intention is the culprit.  Certain words intended to inflict emotional harm can result in unreconcilable damage.  As I tried to infer in my reactions to colloquial phrases, if we would simply talk about the issues that bother us, instead of name calling, we would solve a lot of problems and reduce the negativity we inflict on others and ourselves.  Words and phrases are merely descriptors.  Concepts like puddin poop spur imagination.  Colorful phrases are attention grabbers that release emotional energy.  Shock and awe exhilarates.  Creative imagery can be inspirational. 

My recommendation, focus your intentions on the positive and you will find the words to accomplish your objective.

Keith Neuber                                     www.ikan2.com                               keith@ikan2.com

Consideration:  Fan-less baseball

Reframing

No admission fees

Don’t have to stand in line to get snacks

No need to pay for parking

Opportunity to sell snacks to family and friends watching your television

No lines to use the restroom

No chance of getting caught in a rain delay

Chance to change the channel if your team is getting hammered.

It’s official!  July 23, 2020, baseball is back and everything is back to normal.  Not so much.  No fanfare for opening day mostly because there aren’t any fans.  Empty stands. Social distancing in the dugout. No spitting. Elbow touching replacing high fives.  Same game, very different feel.

As I watched the first couple of innings I was acutely aware of just how much the announcers talk and the deafening silence associated with the home runs.  Since it was mostly a pitcher’s duel I had time wonder.  Why aren’t there any fans?

It seemed like a baseball stadium would be the ideal venue for a spectator event while practicing CDC guidelines.  With a few exceptions, baseball stadiums are outdoor venues.  It would be easy to control the size of the crowd.  Social distancing would be a breeze since there are numbered seats and the ticket sellers could spread participants out.  The admission gates are controlled to ensure that only those wearing masks could enter.  From a rabid fan perspective it is an opportunity for creative mask design.  Might even want to show them on the jumbo-Tron between innings.

Question:  “So why aren’t fans being allowed to attend baseball games?”

Answer:  “We can’t be trusted!”

The possibility exists that someone who attends a game will have the COVID-19 virus, pretend to be willing to follow the rules, deliberately violate CDC guidelines and infect someone else going for a foul ball.  The actions of the few must be taken into account when limiting the opportunities of the many.  I guess we are to adopt the perspective that we should just be thankful we get to watch baseball on television.

It occurred to me that most people who are interested in baseball were watching the game in their home.  On that July 23^rd morning I recalled that the news people were saying the primary place for the COVID to be transferred is in the home where there is little or no social distancing or folks wearing masks.  It also occurred to me that the second most likely locale for watching a televised game would be at a recreational establishment (bar) which is reported to be one of the primary “hot spots” for COVID contagion.  I wondered whether a few fans watching a ballgame in a stadium would create that much more danger than the other locales where fans would be watching the game.  Is it possible that something other than health risk was the issue?  Perhaps decision makers had reached the conclusion that since some people deviate from compliance with the rules, that none of us can be trusted to use good judgement.

I am sure that we all have a different perspective on fan-less baseball.

People who hate baseball would think it was a good idea.  It no one attends maybe they will get rid of the game altogether.

People who don’t care about baseball might not even be aware that there are no fans in the parks.  They would be busy being upset over some other inconvenience created by the COVID.

People who love baseball, or at least miss professional sports, I am sure are delighted for any morsel of live competition.

People who consider themselves to be at risk from COVID wouldn’t consider attending a live ballgame, so fan-less would be fine with them.

People who refuse to be controlled by rules or others will find a way to be defiant. They will just have to choose a different venue rather than a stadium.  It seems to me that if this group was prohibited from attending the game, others would be able to enjoy the privilege.  If that were the case I guess they might get their feelings hurt and we just couldn’t have that.

I want to compliment and thank those whose perspective is to take risks associated with illness seriously, use precautions to prevent becoming ill and who act responsibly regarding the welfare of others.  We are the vast majority.

I am a big fan of early Star Trek.  In one of the movie versions there is a scene where Spock enters a contaminated room on the Enterprise to save the ship and the crew.  While dying, Spock explains to Captain Kirk through the glass barrier that ‘the needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the one.”  It seems like in recent years that the “concerns of the few” are altering the lives of the many. 

We will endure the onslaught from those who claim to know what is best for us so that they can fulfill their personal agendas.  In the movie “Field of Dreams,” James Earl Jones, portraying the character Terrence Mann, talks about baseball as the constant that has withstood the turmoil’s through the tests of time.  Baseball, in spite of the tweaks to the rules, is still a great time-honored tradition and it will go on.  Like baseball, we who believe in the principles of fairness and justice will carry on the traditions that this great country was founded on.

Activity

Buy a bag of peanuts and a box of Crackerjacks.  Find someone who is willing to join you in singing “Take me out to the ballgame.”  Reminisce about the good times in the past and predict the memories you plan to create in the future.  Let’s play ball!

Keith Neuber                     www.ikan2.com                               keith@ikan2.com

Consideration    Late for work

Reframing

Chance to make an entrance

Opportunity to get recognition from your supervisor

Hone your skills at creative excuse making

Realize that others care

Possibility of getting a permanent vacation from your job

Chance to develop a greater appreciation for those who keep you waiting

It’s amazing how much change we have experienced since March 2020.  All kinds of new rules have been established by others for what they think is in our best interest.  What’s not new is the rule makers bickering over whose rules are the “best” rules.  While it is clear that others want to control us with their rules, rules actually are an effective method to help us achieve personal change.

Is there anything you would like to change?  The weather, politics, jobs, other people.  But is there anything that you want to change about you?  If there is, is it something that you think you should change or something that you want to change?  “Shoulds” usually lack commitment.  Wants on the other hand, are generally associated with an expected payoff.  Wants, or intentional change, require a plan.  It’s generally pretty easy to decide what we want and why we want it.  The challenge is to devise a structure that motivates us to achieve the objective.  An effective plan contains realistic steps to achieve the goal and a commitment to hold ourselves personally accountable.

Let me start with an illustration from my clinical background.  Many years ago I was approached by a young woman for counseling through her Employee Assistance Program.  She began working as an unskilled laborer in industrial shipping.  She quickly advanced to forklift operator and then dock manager.  She had tremendous work ethic and a “potty mouth” to match.  She could curse with the best of them which enabled her to fit in well with her rough and tumble co-workers.  Her success led to a promotion to sales representative.  While she was skilled at selling, her language was becoming her undoing.  She enjoyed selling and seemed to be good at it, however her spontaneous use of colorful language was alienating clients.  After a couple of visits we had this interchange.

Keith(K):  Are you willing to do whatever I recommend to change this situation?

Client(C):  That depends.  What is it?

K:  I’m not going to tell you unless you promise to do it.

C:  Tell me what it is and I will let you know.

K:  No.  No promise. No recommendation.

C:  Okay I promise.

K:  I don’t think you mean it.

C:  I said I promise!

K:  OK.  From now on whenever you are in a meeting and say one of those words I want you to drop to the floor in whatever you are wearing and do 20 sit-ups.

C:  You’re out of your mind!

K:  That’s beside the point.

She left and returned for our next appointment in an elated state.

C:  Keith, I did it!

K:  Did what?

C:  What you made me promise.  (I was just making and analogy.  I never thought she would actually do it)  Not long after our last session I was meeting with a new client that was big money.  I was on a roll and suddenly I dropped a couple of F-bombs.  I could see in the expressions on their faces that I was toast.  So I got, dropped to the floor and began doing sit-ups.  Their expressions turned to shock and finally one of them got up the courage to ask me what I was doing.  I told him, “taking control of my life.”  I explained that I was working to get control of my life and they gave me the contract.  Since then I have been in several meetings without using that language and I will never be that embarrassed again!

I’m delighted to report that my client took control over several areas of her life and became a successful business executive.

Let’s examine the elements that contributed to her success.  I introduced her to a concept referred to as a “written rule.”  Written has nothing to do with paper and pencil.  A written rule is a clear expectation directly associated with a logical consequence which often has a time line for achievement.  I made the rule that if you promise (expectation) I will give you the recommendation (consequence).  Once she made the promise I gave her a second rule.  Use the language (expectation), do the sit-ups (consequence).  You might wonder why I chose sit-ups.  Consequences are intended to be motivators.  Most people don’t like doing sit-ups even though it would be good for us if we did them.  The sit-up served as a physical reminder of the interpersonal consequences she was experiencing by swearing.  The key to change was her ownership of a consequence and not the severity of the consequence.  You may recall from the illustration that she said the “I made her promise.”  I can’t make anyone do anything.  She chose to comply with the rule.  She also chose to hold herself accountable and implement the consequences which ultimately led to her altering her language use.  More significantly she discovered that she had much more capability to influence her decision making than she had realized.

Effective personal change is accomplished when we set realistic, reachable objectives, include consequences for either meeting or failing to meet the objective and consistently hold ourselves accountable for the choices we make.

Activity

Select something about your behavior that you would like to change.  Start with something small.  The goal here is to experience the process. 

Set an expectation for change.

Determine a consequence for your actions.  You can pick a reward or a discipline depending on which motives you more.

Put your plan into action and consistently hold yourself personally accountable for your behavior.  This means no letting yourself off the hook.

Example

An individual is routinely late for work and has been warned if this behavior continues they will lose their job.  They set an expectation that they will arrive 10 minutes before their scheduled start time for the next 10 working days. Their consequence is that for every minute they are late to meet their goal of 10 minutes early they will donate $10.00 to the local food bank.  On any day they are late they agree to immediately send the money to the food bank.

Example analysis

1.  Why set the expectation for 10 minutes early?  Dysfunctional behavior can be hard to change initially.  Aiming for 10 minutes early reduces the risk of losing the job from a slip up.

2.  Why $10.00 per minute?  A financial consequence emphasizes the reality that being late for work will result in serious loss of income and real financial concerns.

3.  Why a foodbank?  Loss of income can have far reaching consequences for daily living, which can be a heavy price to pay from tolerating dysfunctional behavior that we have the ability to control.

4.  Why immediate payment.  Personal accountability means recognizing that a choice was made and we need to take ownership for allowing ourselves to mess up.

The two primary obstacle to achieving a personal change plan are unrealistic expectations and failure to hold ourselves accountable. 

Ideal or extreme expectations sound admirable however they often result in disappointment.  My recommendation is to aim low and overachieve.  If you want to lose weight aim for 5 pounds rather than 50.  Once you hit 5 you have accomplished your goal.  Want to lose more, go for another 5.  If you decide to go all the way to 50 then you will have succeeded 10 times.  Achieving reachable goals demonstrates to us how much control we actually have over our decision making.

Set consequences you are willing to implement and refuse to let yourself down by failing to apply them.  One of my least favorite common expressions is “Why should I care.  The only person I’m hurting is myself.”  Why would anyone tolerate self-induced negativity?  Choose to be self-responsible which does not include self-abuse.

Keith Neuber                                     www.ikan2.com                                               keith@ikan2.com

Consideration    Speed

Reframing fun – Pulled over for speeding

                Chance to be a statistic

                Opportunity for creative excuse making

                Chance to practice your acting skills, “Was I speeding? Really?”

                Opportunity to locate your insurance card

                Realize the consequences of putting off getting insurance

                Chance to support local government

                Chance to make a new friend.  Offer the officer a hit on what you have been smoking.

Does anyone actually believe that rules are made so that people have something to violate?  What is factual is that compliance with rules is influenced by a person’s perspective.  The recent pandemic provides an illustration on the disparity for how we react to rules like social distancing, face coverings, and sheltering in.  Reactions range from faithful adherence, to begrudging compliance, to complete rebellion.  Our degree of compliance with a rule is dependent on our perspective of the value of the rule and the consequences which are associated with a rule.  Let’s consider “speed limits.”

Are the signs along the roadside speed limits or “speed suggestions?”  Is the outside lane on a highway really intended to be the “fast lane?”  Why wouldn’t it be called the “cheater lane?”  If we come upon someone driving the speed limit in the far-left lane, is your reaction admiration for being a rule follower or overwhelming distain for them being an idiot who is prohibiting you from violating the rule?  What perspective allows a driver to be content with driving 70 mph in a 60-mph zone and then become discontent with 70 mph when the limit changes from 60 to 70?

Rules provide a framework, a stimulus, for us to react to.  Our perspective towards the rule influences how we react.  How are perspectives toward rules formulated?  To explore this question let’s go back to the beginning.  Not the beginning of time, the beginning of life.

We are born into this world completely dependent on the care and nurturing of others.  Between the ages of 1 and 2 toddlers naturally become mobile and begin to explore the environment without awareness of risk.  To protect them from risks, caregivers begin to set limits (boundaries) on their toddler’s behavior.  As toddlers test the limits, caregivers respond by reinforcing the boundaries.  Toddlers don’t give up their independence easily, that’s why the word “no” becomes part of their initial vocabulary.  “No, leave that alone! No, don’t’ touch that!  No, get out of there! No! No! No!” 

Humans naturally test limits.  It is a necessary part of the process of survival and learning.  Teaching children the skill of self-control starts early and is a work in progress throughout life, referred to a socialization.  If you are interested in how personality develops check out my interpretation of Erik Erikson’s Epigenetic Principle in David and my book On Generational Differences in the Workplace.  For the purpose of this entry please recognize that challenging limits is an innate component of human nature.

The toddler in us wants to do whatever we want to do whenever we want to do it.  Like toddlers we need boundaries (rules) to help us navigate the risks and challenges of daily living.  What is your perception of rules?  Love rules, hate rules, tolerate rules, other people should follow the rules, necessary evil, unfair, made to be broken.  Our perspective on rules varies according to circumstances.  Rules provide for a sense of order.  While the level of compliance varies when it comes to speed limits, overall most drivers travel in a predictable range.  Consider the chaos and potential danger if drivers covered the full range form 20mph to 120 mph on the same highway.  Think about how easy it is for most of us to drive under the speed limit is a driving rain storm.

Exercise

Create a list of influencers in your decision for selecting a speed when driving.  This exercise is easier to accomplish if you are using a speed control device in your vehicle.  What speed do you select for your speed control and why do you select that number?  To help, allow me to present a common perspective on speed.

“What can I get away with?  How fast can I go without getting pulled over for a ticket?”

Perspective analysis – Are you really in that big of a hurry?  Have you calculated how much time you save?  If you set your speed control for 10 mph over the limit and you are traveling across country, it probably adds up.  If you are headed across town, the time difference is insignificant.  And finally, if you went out of your way to buy a radar detection device so you could risk your well-being, I sure hope you had a really good reason.

Many who have raised children have pondered why they push the envelope when they know there is a good chance of getting caught and disciplined.  Those same caregivers rarely ask themselves why they act in the same manner as their children.  What I find particularly interesting is adult resentment of the consequences when we know that we were purposely breaking the rule.  Can you guess where kids came up with this same response to consequences?

If you have decided to follow my blog journey you recognize that I do not seek to pass judgement.  When it comes to speed, count me among the “responsible” cheaters.  Purposelessly going 8 miles over the speed limit for no good reason because folk wisdom says the police won’t pull you over to give the ticket that you have earned.

Perspective management is a tool that can be used to turn the purposeless into the purposeful.  If you want to break a rule or test the limits of a rule, be intentional.  Go for it.  Just be prepared to accept the consequences of your choice.  If you choose to speed and you receive a ticket, accept it graciously and pay it promptly.  You receive what you deserve.  For the most part rules and compliance is a cat and mouse game – dance on the edge and hope you don’t fall off.  The odds of being pulled over for speeding are miniscule.  Like children, if we break a rule and get away with it what’s our conclusion?  If I break the rule again I can expect the same result.  All’s well under the hammer comes down, then we pout and blame the hammer or whoever is holding it.

What about rules we make for ourselves like diets, budgets, exercise routines?  Why is difficult for so many to follow the rules they set for their personal well-being?  What gets in the way of holding ourselves accountable for the choices we make?  Great questions that I will address in my next entry – “rules and consequences: a recipe for change.”

Keith Neuber                                     www.ikan2.com                               keith@ikan2.com

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”  Clever reframe but adjusting to disruptions in life isn’t that easy.  Frustration, disappointment, resentment are typical emotional reactions to disruption.  While negative reactions to disruption are common, there are perspective alternatives to lessen the burden.  COVID has clearly created disruptions.  Let’s consider taking back some control.

Consideration – Cancelled vacation

Reframes

                Opportunity to make new plans

                Chance to console others who are equally disappointed

                Invest the money you won’t be spending so you’ll have more for your next opportunity

                Create a miniature golf course in your home

                Legitimate reason to complain

                Invent the non-vacation-vacation, market it on social media, make a fortune

                Time available to write the novel you have been putting off

Life’s good when a well-designed plan plays out just the way it was intended.  A challenge comes when our plans are disrupted – what to do with the emotional energy created by the disruption.

Ever had your vacation plans disrupted?  Cruise disrupted by a hurricane.  Road trip disrupted by a vehicle breakdown.  International travel disrupted by a world crisis.  Family reunion disrupted by a personal crisis.  Beach vacation disrupted by COVID.  Things happen that throw our plans out of balance.  Most of appreciate having things under control.  Knowing what to expect and how we plan to deal with it.  Most of us also struggle when something upsets our apple cart.  When our plans become disrupted we experience an emotional reaction.  Typical reactions are frustration, disappointment, anger and resentment.  Atypical reactions could be elation, excitement or a sense of challenge.  When it comes to vacationing, the more elaborate the plan combined with a greater degree of disruption, the more intense the emotional reaction.

Interestingly, it is not the vacation plan that creates the emotional disruption, it is the loss of what the vacation was intended to fulfill for the vacationer.  Vacation plans are intended to have emotional impact, to fulfill a perceived need or meet a desire.  Consider a vacation that you have planned.  What you looking for in the vacation? Adventure, fun, relief, discovery, escape, bonding, reward, revitalization, magic, memories, fulfillment of a life long dream, bucket lister, …

Examples.  People who plan to scuba dive are looking for discovery and will not be satisfied by a chance to read by the pool.  Those looking forward to a family reunion generally like their family members (at least some of them) and are looking to share memories and create future ones.  Folks seeking to get away from their work environment are looking for relief and they aren’t considering a working vacation.  When a vacation plan is disrupted there is a partial or complete loss of the emotional fulfillment expected from the event which triggers their emotional reaction.

Most vacation plans focus on the details of the event rather than achieving the desired fulfillment.  That is why when the vacation goes off as planned it can end up feeling like a disappointment.  By concentrating on the event rather than what we desire to achieve we can miss opportunities to adjust to meet our goal.  Example – If I am looking for an adventure by scuba diving, if something prevents me from diving I can look for a jungle to explore.

Consistent with the theme of perspective management – “when you can’t control the circumstances you can always adjust the way you look at them,” let’s explore some categories for dealing with disrupted plans.

In graduate school I wrote a journal article which identified four levels of personal responsibility: victimization, blame, ambivalence and personal responsibility.

Individuals who experience victimization expect things to go wrong for them.  Expecting the worst, they are unlikely to plan a vacation.  Occasionally someone talks them into making a plan.  If the plan disrupts, their reaction is “I knew this would happen and now not only are my plans ruined but I messed up everyone else’s as well.”  It’s not a big deal for them they expect disappointment.

Blamers have little tolerance for disrupted plans.  Blamers can become incensed when even a single day of rain disrupts their week-long vacation.  When a blamers plans become derailed, they experience an intense emotional reaction and they look for a target to vent their negativity.  Blamers range from firing a laser at what they consider to be the cause to scatter shot at anyone or thing in the vicinity.  Curiously, blamers are rarely comforted by the reassurance of others and generally resent the attempt to improve their mental state.  Blamers are firm believers that “misery loves company” so if you are in their company expect to be miserable.

Ambivalence is a common reaction to disruption.  A long-awaited family vacation to a theme park venue gets disrupted by COVID.  Even though the vacation planner is greatly disappointed, their response is “things happen, sometimes it just doesn’t work out, we’ll have a great time next year.”  Ambivalence appears admirable until you consider that there is no relief from the emotional disappointment and the person rarely makes new plans to try to fulfill the missed fulfillment.

The personally responsible individual is conscious of that the best laid plans can get disrupted.  They also recognize that their goal is to fulfill a desire, so if a plan A fails, it’s on to plan B.  If my goal is to escape from the pressure of the job, if I can’t go cruising, I’ll head for the beach, the woods or my own back yard.  It’s up to me to take care of me.

How about an example.  You have wanted to see the Grand Canyon for most of your life (bucket lister).  You book and pay for your hotel accommodations overlooking the canyon six months in advance.  You arrive at the resort and you are informed that there is no record of your reservation, the resort is full but they can accommodate you in an obscure area in the park.  What would you do?

Victim – “Why does this always happen to me?  I’ll just sleep in the car.”

Blamer – They yell at the clerk like this was intentionally created, demand to see the manager, threaten to sue the resort for this personal violation, accept free accommodations in the obscure area and refuse to participate in any of the attractions in the park.

Ambivalence – “Boy this really sucks.  I guess things happen and there’s nothing you can do about it.  We’ll take the remote location and try to enjoy what we can.”

So, what did Paula, Patrick and I do?  We took a harrowing flight through the canyon in a prop plane during a 40-knot wind and headed to Vegas.

Challenge

Test out your range in perspective management.  Consider how you think various types would react to the following scenario.  Write them down.  I’ll share my thoughts in entry 5.

You have saved $2500.00 over the past two years to vacation with your friends in Cancun.  A month before you are scheduled to leave your car breaks down on your way home from work.  The engine needs $2000.00 in repairs.  How do you think victims, blamers ambivalents and personally responsible people would react?

Keith Neuber                     keith@ikan2.com                             www.ikan2.com

Have you ever made a decision that turned out badly and wondered, “What was I thinking?”  For some this is a common occurrence.  Ever made a decision that worked out well and stopped to think, “How did I pull this off so I can remember to do it again?”  Probably not.  If you do examine your decision making you will discover that your perspective influenced your choice.

Consideration – Personal Protective Equipment

Reframing wearing a breathing mask

                Chance to smell your breath. Understand what others are complaining about.

                Pretend you are a superhero

                Opportunity to advertise

                Reason to shop

                Chance to show off your creativity – designer masks

                Reason to claim that what you said was misunderstood

                Chance to stick your tongue out at someone and not get caught.

As I presented in my previous entry, perspective plays a significant role in decision making.  This entry will focus on what influences perspective.  Consider what factors would influence your decision if you were planning to buy a house, a car, a dishwasher, a book, a piece of gum or whether you wear personal protective equipment during a pandemic.  The more significant the decision, the greater the number of factors which influence perspective.

Decisions are the result of a process:

                There is an occurrence (stimulus)

                The stimulus triggers reactions (response)

                The response inspires alternatives (process)

                The alternatives are processed and produce a decision

Simple illustration

                Traffic signal changes from green to yellow (stimulus)

                Driver is warned that the situation is about to change (reaction)

                Driver considers options, ignore, break, accelerate (process)

                Based on the driver’s perspective a choice is made.

As the driver, what choice would you make?  If your response is, “it depends,” you recognize that your decision is influenced by your perspective on the circumstances.

               

Consider these perspectives

                Not paying attention and didn’t notice the light change

                There is a car in front of you

                There is a police car following you

                You didn’t see the police car waiting at the light

                You have an aggressive personality

                You are overly cautious

                Late for a meeting

                Tired of being told what to do

                Add your list of influencers

The impact of influencers can vary greatly depending on circumstance, mood, pressures, anticipated benefits and anticipated costs.   To further clarify how influencers effect choice let’s consider the benefit cost ratio of decision making.

All decisions are associated with a perceived benefit and a perceived cost.  If the perceived benefit is greater than the perceived cost we act.  If the perceived cost is greater than the perceived benefit we hold back.  Notice the emphasis on the word perceived.  It is not necessarily the actual benefit or cost, it is your perspective on the potential outcome.  Gambling for example implies risk.  If you perceive yourself to be a winner, you play.  If you perceive yourself to be a loser, you find something else to do with your money.  Since my consideration for this entry is personal protective equipment let’s use wearing a mask during a pandemic for an exercise.

Create two columns on a piece of paper.  Label one column perceived benefits and the other perceived costs.  Examine your decision making regarding wearing a mask during COVID-19 and list the factors that influenced the choices you made.

Now revisit your lists.  Which entries seemed to have the greatest influence on your perspective.  Did the choices that you made appear to be justified in light of your perspective?  If not, you may want to dig a little deeper into what actually influences your decision making.

Here’s what I discovered when I completed the exercise.

           Perceived benefits        

Filters ingested air                                                                          

Reduces the likelihood of getting infected                          

Demonstrate my concerns for self/others                           

I’m in a risk group, reduces my risk                                                                                                                                         

Perceived costs

Fogs up my glasses

Annoyance

Inconvenient

Restricts natural breathing/bad air intake

Unnecessary imposed restrictions

Digging deeper

Perceived benefits

Positive role model for employees/customers                  

Others will perceive me as being responsible                     

Eases the concern others have for my health                     

Perceived costs

I don’t like to be told what to do

Rather be a leader than a follower

Restricts my sense of autonomy

In the beginning I resisted the use of PPE because I thought it was an over-reaction to the COVID threat that created more than one inconvenience in my life.  After being challenged on a number of occasions by my family I came to accept that I didn’t want to get sick and my arrogance was getting in the way of my concern for my welfare.  Control and arrogance are two issues that impact my perspective which has led me make a number of poor decisions.

Take Away.

What’s the point?  The more a person understands what influences their perspective, the more they control the impact perspective has on decision making.  When perspective is working for you, maintain course.  When life becomes a struggle, it’s an opportunity to evaluate your perspective and seek alternatives that can take you to a better place.

Clear alternatives make decision making easier.  Wear the mask and live or don’t wear the mask and die.  Curiously enough even under clear alternatives their will be some who will test the limit just to make sure.  Perspective is always a choice and always impacts outcomes.

Keith Neuber                     keith@ikan2.com                             www.ikan2.com